So the economy sucks, your 401-K is worth about as much as your snow globe collection, and groceries and gas cost more than three quarters of your paycheck.

And it’s all your husband’s fault, right?

I know the answer to that question is, “Not really.” I was just trying to get a chuckle out of you. Yet, during such times, it’s easy to get caught up in a financial blame game. You notice the new shirt he’s wearing and instead of saying “Nice shirt!” you say, “That’s not fair! I don’t have a new shirt!” Oh, so been there.

Three Reasons We Fight About Money

The thing is, most battles over money are really about something else. They are about one of the following three things:

Love: You are fighting about love if one or both of you agrees with the statement, “If we are aligned in our spending and saving habits, we must really dig each other. This relationship is meant to be!” Conversely, you also agree that: “If we differ wildly in our spending and saving, we must not really love each other. This relationship is doomed.”

My husband and I had this sort of struggle about money when we first met. He spent every stray cent he earned on toys—motorcycles, rock climbing equipment, wind surf boards, bicycles, and the list goes on and on. This made me uneasy because I’m the type of person who saves every stray cent. I’ve had a savings account since I was 5. I took out my first certificate of deposit the year I graduated from college. I bought my first stock in my late 20s. Once I landed a job with a 401-K, I socked away the max. I saved. He spent. Whenever he spent, I thought, “There’s no way you can love me. I a saver.”

It took me many years to come to the understanding that we could have different values where money was concerned, but still love one another.

Power: A power struggle over money is very similar to a love struggle.

The partner who is after the power is in search of validation. He or she says, “Spend money my way or find the highway,” but what she or he is REALLY saying is this, “If you do what I say, you validate my self worth. That makes me feel good.”

Stress: The stress struggle is what most of us are going through now. Each month the credit card bill is more than the total amount of money in our checking accounts. When you fight about stress, what you are really saying is this, “I feel hopeless about this situation and it’s your job to fix that problem.”

How to Stop the Insanity

In a word: communication. Okay, so you’ve been doing a lot of that lately, and it hasn’t been working, right? I’m not talking about this type of communication: “You bought clothes again!? Didn’t we talk about this?! We can’t afford clothes right now! We just can’t. Are you trying to sabotage us?! What is your problem?”

No, that’s not what I’m talking about at all. Talk about the following:

1) Your financial dreams: What do you both want for the future. Do you want to retire at 65 or earlier? Do you want to send your kids to college, loan free? Do you want to own a home? Do you want to take a nice vacation every year? Agree on 1 or 2 common financial dreams—dreams you both wholeheartedly want to make happen.

2) Your financial reality: Assess the current situation. What are you bringing home in each paycheck? Where is the money going? Where can you cut back?

Once you’ve talked about both, create a family budget that takes both into account. To do so, use this advice:

Resist the urge to blame. Comments like, “See you are spending all of our money on shoes!” aren’t going to get you closer to your goals. Keep in mind that you both have the same financial dream and the same financial reality.

Share the pain. As you cut back on your spending, make sure you are cutting back fairly. And whenever you feel sad about what you can’t have, remind yourself of your common dream.

Share the love. As you draw up a family budget, see if you can allow for one indulgence each. Mine is my cleaning lady. My husband likes to eat lunch out every day rather than make it himself. As long as these indulgences fit into your pre-determined budget, there’s no use arguing about whether or not they are fair.

Another way to share the love is this: create a discretionary spending account for each of you. The amount in that account must fit into your budget. It might be $30 a week, $100 a week, whatever. Each spouse can spend that money in any way she or he wants.

Solve problems together. If your financial reality is anything like mine, then the vast majority of your paycheck is funding one of three things: the mortgage, childcare, or food. Food is the only one of these three you can influence. Take a look at your grocery bill. Talk about ways you can save money. If you decide to eat out less often (huge money saver), think of ways to ensure you actually carry through on that goal. For example, one of the reasons we tend to eat out: Fatigue. I’m sometimes too tired to cook dinner. So my husband offered to make a baked ziti or lasagna once a week. That way, whenever I’m too tired to cook, we break into the leftovers.

PROJECT POINTERS

• If you spend more than your allotted discretionary amount, fess up. Keeping secrets about money will only result in one thing: fighting about money later on.

• Consider donating a certain percentage of your money to a charity. It will not only bring you closer as a couple, but it will make you feel more hopeful that you are doing your part to make a difference during a financially difficult time.

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