Project Happily Ever After

When you first met, you were drawn to one another as lint is drawn to black clothing. Can you get back that spark? Is the passion forever lost?

Tina B. Tessina, PhD, (aka “Dr. Romance”) psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage (Adams Media 2008) offers this advice.

Q: Sometimes I feel sexually excited, but I don’t always feel desire for my husband. In other words, I’d rather take things into my own hands. Is this normal?

A: Sure it’s normal. It’s more direct and easier to do it yourself, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Keep in mind, however, that the easy route might not be the best route for your marriage. If you can direct that energy toward having sex with your husband, your marriage will benefit. Also, take a little time to think about whether anything is going on between you that’s putting you off. It’s better to talk about that directly than to avoid it and go off by yourself.

Q: My husband and I have been married for many years. Thankfully I have orgasms somewhat easily and consistently, but I don’t always look forward to sex. Is this bad?

A: It’s normal in a long-term marriage for spontaneous sexuality to diminish and even disappear. Don’t continue to expect sex to generate itself as your marriage becomes more familiar and comfortable. You need to begin generating the sexual energy with each other. Try creating a mood, making a way for the two of you to transition from daily chores and hassles to intimacy. You might want to cuddle on the couch or surprise him with a kiss. You both need a signal that tells your partner that it’s time for sex.

Q: How can we make sex seem more romantic and less run-of-the-mill?

A: The most important thing to do is to take the hassle out of it. Don’t have high expectations for every sexual encounter. Develop a repertoire that includes 1) Sex when you’re tired 2) Sex when you’re rushed 3) Sex when only one of you wants it. Make it as easy as possible, and get playful about it. If you can giggle and laugh together, you’ll feel more connected. If you keep your sexual connection going, the big, romantic fantasy moments will happen every once in a while (an anniversary, while you’re on vacation, and so on.) The key is to make it simple and easy to get together.

Q: If I fantasize about other men, does it mean something is wrong with my marriage?

A: Fantasizing about other men is normal. Whether or not to tell your husband depends on your two personalities and preferences. Will he be intimidated and put off, or will he be excited about it? Sometimes fantasies can be used to enhance sex — for example, a fantasy that he has stolen you from this other man could really get you both going.

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Tags: Marriage Advice, Sex advice

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 30th, 2008 at 4:39 pm and is filed under Marriage Advice, Sex advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.