So you married a mamma’s boy?
Tuesday, October 28th, 2008
So did I. I’d never thought of my husband as a Mamma’s Boy because he wasn’t the doted on son (I believe his younger brother had that role). Yet, I can’t tell you how many times the phrase, “I am not your mother” has been spoken in this house. I said it:
• When my husband asked me to make his doctor’s appointments. Um, don’t think so.
• When my husband asked me to buy his mother a gift for Mother’s Day. I did it, but I did it for her.
And probably a million other times. He’s lucky most of my memories were wiped out during early motherhood.
I also hadn’t thought of myself as a Daddy’s Girl until recently, very recently in fact. It was when I learned about the book Getting Back to Love: When the Pushing and Pulling Threaten to Tear You Apart. Written by Joseph and Sarah Elizabeth Malinak, the book offers advice for couples caught up in the Mamma’s Boy and Daddy’s Girl dynamic.
When I read the advice, well, let’s just say that’s when I realized I was a Daddy’s Girl. Holy crap do these authors know what goes on inside my house! Do they have a hidden camera in here somwhere?
Here’s what the authors of the definitive book on Mamma’s Boys and Daddy’s Girls have to say about living happily ever after in the same house.
Q: How do you know if your husband is a mamma’s boy?
A: If you’ve ever said, “I have three children,” when you only have two, he’s a Mamma’s Boy.
Q: Could you describe the difference between a mamma’s boy and a daddy’s girl?
A: In their early teen years, children are influenced by their same-sex parent, For boys, that looks like spending time with dad doing things together, accomplishing tasks and hobbies together, and bonding the way grown men bond. If the same sex parent is physically or emotionally absent, you end up with a Mamma’s boy who believes women hold the key to his masculinity and a Daddy’s Girl who believes men hold the key to her femininity.
A Mama’s Boy believes he gets his power from the women in his life while a Daddy’s Girl believes she gets fulfillment from taking care of the men in her life.
Mamma’s Boys and Daddy’s Girls attract each other like magnets! Each believes the other is the missing piece to the puzzle! The chemistry and passion can be enormous in the beginning. It helps that Mamma’s Boys and Daddy’s Girls tend to begin their romances behaving well! The Mamma’s Boy starts off as her knight in shining armor. The Daddy’s Girl is receptive and tender.
After they reach a level of commitment, things change. She sees him as her extra child around the house. He avoids her because all she seems to do is nag him. The chemistry and passion turn into a power struggle that feels hopeless. But it isn’t hopeless!
Q: What are some ways a woman like me can encourage her husband to grow up?
A: By not encouraging him to grow up! What we consistently do in our practice and in our book is encourage individuals to take responsibility for their selves and stop trying to change their partner. As a woman turns her attention to her own Daddy’s Girl dynamics and begins making changes there, changes inevitably occur in the relationship.
When a Daddy’s Girl realizes that she is mothering her husband, she catches herself periodically before engaging in that caretaking behavior. Eventually she stops doing it. Then, she finds that it makes her feel quite uncomfortable! The more she practices sitting in that discomfort and not reacting to it, neither rescuing him nor getting mad at him, the easier it becomes.
Q: But what if he resists?
A: Of course, he might try his best to get her to go back to her old ways. If she hangs in there, keeps looking to herself and making her own changes, she will benefit from this work!
Individuals and couples can get to the point where they are able to laugh at the Mamma’s Boy and Daddy’s Girl dynamics.
For instance, recently Joseph has been making mental notes to himself to remember something by saying to me, “Help me remember…” If helping him remember every time he says that feels like I am his mother or secretary, it’s best to leave it alone!
There was a time when I would have fretted over this. I would have felt put upon and resentful. I would have made notes for him. I would have felt responsible when he forgot something I was supposed to remember. Moreover, he might have really meant for me to help him remember, growing resentful when I would forget what he had asked me to help him remember!
In this particular example, I listened and decided that if I remembered to remind him, fine. If not, that was fine too. I did not really take him to be seriously asking me to remember on his behalf.
There was no friction. It took us awhile to get to that kind of ease, but here we are loving each other like two grown adults!
Q: Are there some things that daddy’s girls should just accept, that their mamma’s boy hubbies are never going to change?
A: When one member of a couple decides to change and does the work, one of three things happen.
1. The relationship gets better because the other person gets on board and changes too.
2. The relationship falls apart because the other person refuses to change.
3. The relationship stays about the same with a little improvement because, even though the other partner does not change, the one doing the work makes peace with that.
However, one of the sweet things about this dynamic is that Mamma’s Boys have some really cool aspects that they shouldn’t change! Men nurturing the women and children in their lives are awesome. In addition, Daddy’s Girls have some incredible qualities that ought to remain. Daddy’s girls tend to be competent, get-things-done kinds of women. They are women out there in the world making a difference!
So with “Getting Back to Love,” you get to keep what works, gently work on what doesn’t work, and get back to the passion and joy that once filled your relationship!
Q: What if he won’t even try?
A: Whether or not a husband will pitch in and do his fair share of the marital improvement work, a wife is best off starting in the same place, with herself. The destructive ways the Daddy’s Girl dynamics play out in the relationship are so profound that she will have her hands full putting her attention on herself and making new choices in behavior, attitude, and words. And as she puts her attention on herself, changes in him and in the relationship naturally occur.
Q: Are there times it’s okay to play the roles?
A: Of course, there are times when it is okay to play the roles. Every man and woman has an inner child who still appreciates being nurtured and every man and woman has an internalized parent who loves to nurture. The question is (at the risk of sounding completely unscientific) does it make you feel “icky?”
When a man is pushing against or pulling on his woman to get a sense of his power, it does not feel good to her. And when a woman is directing or trying to fix her man to get a sense of fulfillment, it does not feel good to him.
So, those times when it feels really good for her to be the nurturer and him to be nurtured, go for it!
