What I wish I really learned in high school
Sunday, October 26th, 2008I’ve never told anyone this before, but it’s about time I came clean. In high school history class, I cheated on the test that involved listing the presidents and vice presidents in order.
Mr. Warner, I’ll have you know, that I feel no shame in this. I see no practical reason why you wanted me to know that stuff to begin with. I’ve been out of high school for 20 years, and I’ve never once needed to list the presidents along with their vice presidents. I’ve also never once needed to spout off the state capitals.
And Mr. Sinclair, I’ve never once been asked to recite “Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow” from Macbeth. Not a once.
While the knowledge of precisely how to light a Bunsen burner with a piece of flint probably benefitted some hairy, cave dwelling student many, many years ago, it certainly didn’t help me. I’ll have you know, Mr. Parlett, that there are these things called lighters. They even have these nice little wands that you can click, and out comes a flame.
I can’t say that my dissection skills ever came in handy, either. Perhaps seeing the insides of a frog, cricket, and starfish has better prepared me for the various pieces of road kill I’ve encountered. I’m not sure.
Learning to use the jigsaw did nothing for me either, and the algebra, geometry, and calculus? There’s this thing called a calculator. And, when that doesn’t work, there’s always my cousin, the actuarian who works for the Census Bureau. If I don’t know how to do a particular equation, I email it to him, and he emails me back the answer. Problem solved.
In lieu of all of that, I really wish you had made me memorize:
• The correct dosage of Tylenol to give to a child, broken down by age and body weight
• The car seat positioning schedule (rear facing, forward facing, booster, no seat required), again broken down by age and body weight
• The immunization and well child visit schedule
• The infant food introduction schedule (Do vegetables come before fruits or the other way around? Do green foods come before orange?)
• The Ferberizing schedule: Was I supposed to wait two minutes before checking on my screaming child? Or was it 5?
I also wish you had taught me:
• How to swaddle a baby correctly, so the swaddling does not unravel and a) cause the baby to wake b) cover the baby’s head and cause the baby to die from suffocation
• The best way to clean baby vomit off my shirt while inside a grocery store bathroom
• How to stay calm and collected when my toddler is grumpy and takes to whining and ordering me around for an entire day
• How to locate the other shoe or the other sock that I can never seem to find
• How to cook dinner and play with my child at the same time, without burning down the house
• How to get through a grocery store without spending $100 on all of the items my toddler declares she “needs”
