12 surefire ways to get in the mood

Here are 12 surefire ways to get your turn on your inner love machine.

Do less. It’s really simple. We’re all doing too much, and most of it just doesn’t have to be done. Create downtime every evening. Literally find ways to make yourself bored. With boredom comes sexual interest.

Sleep more. Enough said. You just can’t feel sexy if you never quite feel awake.

Feel good about yourself. Exercise. Eat well. Take care of yourself. The better care you take of your body, the better you will feel about your body. The better you feel about your body, the sexier you’ll feel.

Read a dirty book. I bought some erotica about a year ago. I’m not going to write the title of the book because it would require me to flag this blog for “adult content.” All I can say is that I thought it was soooo beneath me. The writing was only slightly more elaborate than See Dick Run. I honestly thought I’d wasted my money until I got to the fourth paragraph and begged my husband to step out of the shower already. If you are too embarrassed to keep true erotica in your home (perhaps you suspect that the baby sitter peeks around a little too much), then any romance novel will do. For that matter, so will any book in the Twilight series.

Watch a sexy DVD. It doesn’t have to be official porn. Try 9 1/2 Weeks, Body Heat, Bull Durham, The Big Easy, The Postman Always Rings Twice, Basic Instinct. I could go on and on but, I’m thinking, you might have your own personal favorites.

Talk dirty
. Lie in bed together. Cuddle. Take turns sharing your wildest sexual fantasies. Describe the scene with all of your senses: what you see, what you feel, what you taste, and so on.

Give each other a massage. Once you relax, you’ll get in the mood.

Lie on top of the sheets naked. Depending on the time of year and your level of privacy, open the window so you can feel a breeze on your skin. Close your eyes and relax (Don’t do the closing your eyes part, however, if you are so sleep deprived that you’ll end up falling asleep).

Spice it up. Part of the turn-off of long-term monogamy stems from monotony—doing the same old sexual routine every single time. He kisses you here. Then you touch him there. Point A goes into slot B. Oh, so been there, done that. Try new locations. For instance, try out all of the rooms of your house. Then move to the backyard. Try new positions. Try new outfits.

Try some give and take.
If you’re not in the mood, spend some time pleasuring him. Chances are, by the time he’s done, you’ll want him to return the favor.

Use lube. Creating the illusion of feeling in the mood will often stimulate the mood. And forget the crap that’s sold at the convenience store. Use organic coconut oil. It works better than anything else.

Start with a toy. Give him your vibrator and see how well he uses this magic wand. Pretty soon you’ll be revved up and ready for the real thing.


Break the initiation-turn-down cycle. The person who wants sex the least is the one who has the most power. The person who wants it the most has the least. If one of you initiates most of the time and the other says no most of the time, your relationship is out of balance. Create a more equal distribution of power by:

1. Agreeing on a sexual frequency that you can both live with. Twice a week. Once a week. Once a month. Compromise.

2. Then either schedule it, or have the person with the lower drive do the initiating. The only rule is that you HAVE to stick to the pre-determined level of frequency.

77 comments… add one

  • Anthony Lawrence December 30, 2008, 9:23 am

    Yes, but..

    My poor wife has degenerative joint disease. She’s in constant pain even with drugs. When everything hurts, sex is not fun for either of us.

    You can live without sex, especially as you get older. I’m not saying that’s ideal or anything to give up lightly, but like everything else, sometimes disease makes ordinary things impossible.

    We compensate with more gentle intimacy – more tender hugs and kisses, more verbal expressions of love. Again, not ideal, but it keeps us close.

    This is not something I’d ordinarily talk about. I mention it only because someone in a similar situation might feel guilty and I think they should know that it’s OK and it doesn’t mean the end of love.

    Sometimes we simply have to adjust for reality.

    • Kristy J May 27, 2011, 9:02 pm

      She should try seeing a chiropractor! Adjustments could help to ease the pain and get joint fluids flowing, it may certainly not fix it but it is a good holistic alternative or addition to prescription medications. The chiropractor may also be able to give you positions that would put the least amount of stress on her joints. I used to work in a chiropractic office so I at least know the doctor would be able to help you find positions that would put the least amount of stress on her.

    • Kathy June 12, 2011, 9:54 pm

      I was having back pain from my job since December. I finally went to a health food store. She told me about Curcumin capsules. You are suppost to take 2 in the morning and 2 at night. It took a couple days to kick in but it worked. I feel better
      I take 2 before I go to work. And I have to keep them up on my days off. Otherwise
      it takes a while to kick in again. It was 36.00 dollars for 60 capsules. But I looked in the vitamin catalog and they are buy 1 get 1 free. Plus there are deals online.
      This is her # 1 pain killer at the health food store. Arthritis, inflamation, back pain
      joint pain ect…

      • H September 15, 2012, 8:07 am

        You guys don’t understand what a degenerative joint disease is. It is an autoimmune condition, not a little back pain or a dodgy knee. Neither the chiro nor curcumin will help. Some self management of the disease can help reduce the severity of the pain & flare ups, but it is strong drugs like methotrexate and biologics that need to be taken to stop further joint damage and these have side effects.

        Anthony, you are a gem.

    • Peter August 8, 2011, 12:21 pm

      Try Mila…look it up…it may help a lot.


    • jane November 1, 2011, 1:15 am

      Anthony….kudos to you. To be understanding … Amazing . Most guys just cheat instead.

    • JLS December 31, 2012, 6:29 pm

      Not many people understand these conditions. I am glad that you have mentioned this situation. It is difficult enough to live with the condition but to have others not understand nor accept the situation can make it worse. There are conditions where no treatments work. It’s an adjustment in life. This type of situation can really prove the love between two people. It is very nice to hear. Thanks for sharing.

  • T. Jackal February 11, 2009, 1:19 pm

    #4. It makes you feel good. Have you ever finished having sex and thought, “Darn, that was a complete waste of my time.”?…….Yes, actually. All the time, every time, my whole sexually active life. Also, I am just as tightly wound the morning after as I was the day before. Every waking moment is vitally important and something needs to be accomplished, relaxation is not an option. I don’t believe that sex makes you look younger either, that’s silly. I am 43 and look about 28-30. Sex, or the lack thereof, is not the causative factor, it is the result of looking younger or older. A woman who looks 10-12 years older than her age is probably not going to be desired by anyone so therefore, no sex, get it? I love my husband no doubt about it but for me sex was only a means by which I could have the children I (we) wanted. He is a fabulous person and perhaps the best father ever and thankfully not overly concerned about sex. What I really want out of any relationship is respect. Period. I know women are supposed to really need to be loved, but that is not me. I say, do what you want, be happy with yourself and your life and stop feeling guilty about not wanting sex. We have been brainwashed into thinking that it is not normal to abstain, but in actuality, it is normal.

    • AussieV July 17, 2011, 8:15 am

      Hmm not interested in sex at all ? and he is fine with that ? is he even male , i mean , i barely get any sort of sex at all, no touching nothing , my partner backs away from me every time i try something , befor you ask no im not presureing her to have sex with me , but come on almost 8 months with no sort of sexual tact ? realy ? yes i love her and she loves me but some times its just all to much , every time i try and talk to her about it she gets all defencive and starts yelling pretty much. it gets to the point of thinking well im horny coz i have’t got ay for over 8 months its just as easy to get up and go and play a fkn computer game , now you tell me thats normal. sex is part of a healthy relationship, i mean i would be happy with once a fortning or hell even once a month. but seriously its starting to give me the shits. and i have no idear how to get her in the mood , it makes me wonder if shes onlu haveing sex with me to please me at times, makes me feel like shit and that shes not attracted to me any more. so im out of idears , i mean she likes me going down on her and what not. we where kid free last night , i thought awsome a good time to actualy make love. yeah no , she just went to sleep and me thinking fuck this , got up and jumped on the pc for the rest of the nite …….. now you tell me that makes sence ?

      • GNY SGT KUGELMAN May 3, 2012, 2:45 am

        I feel your pain AussieV I have the same problem with my wife. Man it use to be good and all the time now it is whatever and im going to sleep. Ive tried everything to get my wife in the mood. All I get in return is a look of disgust. Ive been married for 13 years now and the longest we went without sex was 2 years. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but im still in the same boat today. I have 2 kids with her and I feel like killing myself at times because of it. Just last year when I was deployed in Afgahnistan for 6months i come home to her and still nothing 4 months later I find out shes having an abortion. With someone elses baby. I ask her why and she said because I was wanting it. Why couldnt she have come to me for it I dont know i wasnt even away when it happened. She did it while I was at work one night. anyways Me being the good husband stick by her side and still i get not even the slightest bit of physical contact. She hasnt touched me in so long i cant even remember, unless i take her hand and put it there, but i mean not even a rub on the arm Im the one whom is always trying to get her in the mood and ive tried it all. Everytime i end up feeling like a failure and leaving the room. I dont know what to do i know she loves, but i feel like she doesnt love me that way and I dont think its going to change. Everytime i bring it up to her she just starts yelling at me and telling me its always about sex even if we’re not arguing about sex she will change it to be that way. the last fight we had i told her it is always about sex when she said that to me and that just made her even more mad. So i dont recommend that. The first 5 yrs were great in the sex department then poof. Im thinking of giving up and just going my seperate way It has depressed me to the extent of no more. She acts like nothing is wrong and it just sickens me i do everything for her. I wish i didnt love her so much. she doesnt realize what it is doing to our marriage even if i tell her. I tell her i dont want to have sex with her i want to make love with her and i wont stop until she is fully satisfied and thats how its been the past 7 years of our marriage and sex life I have never left her unsatisfied. but she wants to just get it over with now like a wham bam thing. anyways if this helps you im glad i probably did more ranting than help but hey it got it off my mind i guess. Seeing as how i am sitting on the computer at 12:45 at night after another night of i give her a back massage and shower with her and then we go to bed and wants nothing to do with me.

      • Vincente June 19, 2012, 1:11 am

        That’s got to be the most depressing and terrible things i’ve ever heard in my entire life mate. I wish i could say i feel your pain but i dont, and i truly hope i never do. Divorce would do you good.

      • Mac January 30, 2013, 11:24 pm

        I had a similar thing happen with my wife. We had an awesome sex life. Then one day poof nothing for almost a year. I would try to talk with her to find out what was wrong. She would yell and scream about I did not take the trash out. I was at my wits end. I know she was not cheating. Even her “toys” were not used. She just lost all interest in having sex. I told her to ask her doctor. She told me nothing is wrong. I told her that it has been ten months sense we last had sex. She tried to argue that we just had sex a few weeks ago. It was the week before Valentines day the last time we had sex. It is now almost Christmas. She finally talked with her doctor and had her medication changed. There was no change before this happened. My advice is talk with her. I know she yells and screams. Remind her of how long it has been sense you last had sex. Let her know you are there and you still love her. Be strong. We don’t have our old three times a week schedule anymore. But almost once a month is something to work with. I know this is cleashay but send her away from the house. Get her friends or someone she talks with to take her away for a day or at least a dinner and movie. When she is gone clean the house. Dust, vacuum, mop, make the place sparkle. Have some candles lit for when she gets home. Lots of candles. all over the house and bedroom. Make a few of her favorite drinks. Never hurts to be a little tipsy. The first time I did this OH MAN!!!!! Twice in one night. Although I am willing to confess the first time did not last that long. Oh and Listen to what she is saying when you are having sex. She tells you to move somewhere move. if she tells you right there. Don’t change what you are doing. If she will let you finger her. About two inches in on the front you will feel a little rough spot. That is her G spot. lick her clit and rub her G spot. if she don’t cum form that then she is dead. Make sure you lube your fingers. I know I got graphic. But I thought it was necessary. Good luck. Oh and send her away about twice a month. But make it random when you clean and do everything else. You don’t want her to think that every time she goes out you expect sex when she gets back. That is not what it is all about. It is about her relaxing and getting into a good mood.

    • bric June 24, 2012, 11:38 pm

      if u dont give it to ur husband someone else will

      • bric June 24, 2012, 11:43 pm

        roll play thatsv the ticket u bee the professor and her the naughty college student

      • D January 7, 2015, 9:05 am

        Lads I understand at first when me and the wife got together we were at it like rabbits then we went through a separation and both slept with other people but we got back together and since then she has no interest and when she does its a quick thing no play or anything so lads I completely sympathise with you

      • Brittany May 31, 2015, 10:16 pm

        Wow, in my case it’s my boyfriend. Have never gone that long but haven’t been together that long either. I’m pregnant with our second baby, the first one passed away a month and two days after he was born… :/ things were terrible for a moment until he left me, and 3 weeks later came back and moved in with me again. Now I’m pregnant again and high risk and he’s working and barley ever wants anything to do with me. Watched porn and just… Nada. I’m… I’m feeling like it’s going bad again or he’s found someone else.. I just don’t know how to deal anymore. And now I’m having our child and I feel like a complete failure as a mother already because I feel like a failed the relationship somehow. I haven’t even thought this deeply about it until now. I’m bringing a child into a home that’s probably going to be broken by the time they’re born. He’s left me twice for other girls. Funny thing is I’ve never told him no. So it’s not like I drove him to it…

  • Dan March 10, 2009, 3:20 pm

    Where do you find organic coconut oil. Is there a specific store?

  • Alisa March 10, 2009, 4:42 pm

    Organic coconut oil is found near the rest of the cooking oil stuff (olive oil, corn oil, Crisco, etc) at most grocery stores. Some stores don’t carry it because, you know, it’s really high in saturated fat so people stopped buying in. Oddly, it’s a lot easier to find in health food stores. It comes in a jar or tub and is solid at room temp. It looks a lot like Crisco. Once it warms up (human skin is warm enough) it melts.

  • Sarah Liz April 13, 2009, 12:41 pm

    This is one of my most favorite posts ever! I laugh to the point of tears every time I read this! Thanks for sharing!
    -Sarah Liz :)

  • alison April 24, 2009, 5:52 pm

    I foudn you via 31DBBB and I’m sure glad I did. Great article :)

  • Anon April 29, 2009, 6:07 am

    Wow, 4 times a week is a lot? We do it a minimum 3 times a day. If my partner didn’t want it at least once a day, I think I’d get a replacement. The notion of scheduling in sex in a week is crazy. In my mind, its always been scheduling in the day, and how to fit an extra.

    Combine that infrequency with the shortness of the session you described in a recent post, and you hardly have sex at all. I will mention that my ideal session time is 30-90 minutes with the 3+ sessions as day. So, figure 4 of every 24 hours I’m spending having sex, YAY! There’s nothing else I could want to do more than that. BTW, that pool on the related post lacked an option for something more than an hour but short of all day long. I might spend a day doing nothing else but having sex (lazy weekend), but its not all one long session.

    • jen June 11, 2012, 8:20 am

      you are so cool for having sex so often. no one cares, buddy. you sound like a huge douche.

    • John October 4, 2012, 8:31 pm

      Anyone who brags like that is either lying or his sexcapades involve a sock and lots of Vaseline. I’ve been married for 14 years and we average twice a week. Do I wish it was more often? Sometimes I do. But the 2 times a week we average is so intimate and satisfying that I’m really ok as it is. We’re 34, and have had out times of staying in bed all day when the kids are out. To this day we still have that once in a while. But the reality is that there’s a difference between loving each other and wanting true intimacy with each other and fucking. If all I want is to “get off” I can do that myself. What we crave is that intimacy.

      • DK August 1, 2013, 10:39 pm

        its not a bluff, its possible to have what he had going on. I have been there myself. back in my first marriage, me and my ex had sex several times a day. HOWEVER: 1. we were young and sex starved. 2. we had a serious lack of intimacy.
        when I first got into the relationship that I am into now (my now fiancé of 2 years, you can guess why the long engagement :) we started out pretty close to the same way.

  • Richard May 13, 2009, 11:24 am

    My wife takes sleeping pills. Some times I have sex with her while she is asleep

    • jen June 11, 2012, 8:17 am

      thats ridiculous.

    • Gross June 21, 2012, 10:04 am

      Unless she knows about this and agrees to it beforehand, that is rape.

    • Jn February 1, 2016, 10:22 am

      That is so sick and wrong. Do you love her or is she a toy?

  • FRUSTRATED May 19, 2009, 8:04 am

    In response to those who feel feel sex with your spouse is a complete waste of time I feel sorry for you and your spouse. Sex is a normal part of a marriage. Your spouse may not be concerned with sex because you have zero interest. How do you know he not repressing his normal desire for his mate? It is not a repulsive act but a way of being the most intimate with your spouse. You/he are missing an important part of a wonderful marriage. You may be fine with this but are you sure he is? Abstaining is not the normal state of a marriage. There are instances when this is necessary or needed but it is not brainwashing to think and be intimate with your spouse. I do not think any post or the article claims that sex is what we should make the #1 priority in a marriage nor has a guilty trip been put on anyone.

  • Theatregirl May 24, 2009, 11:48 pm

    I’m so glad I found this blog. My husband and I are younger…mid 20s, early 30s…and we have “high” sex drives but we’re both grad students with full times jobs so we’re TIRED. Sex once a week is a good goal for us; I’ll actually get depressed if we go on two weeks. When your schedule is packed like ours, it can be hard for a girl to get in the mood. Similar to your “Lie on top of the sheets naked” I have ‘naked naps.’ After a long day, I’ll take a shower with the lights on low and shave. I take my time putting on lotion and then lay in bed under just the the sheets (or sometimes with just a silky robe). If I nod off for 30 minutes or so, I’ll wake up relaxed and ready…or if my husband finds me before I fall asleep, I’m already half way there. Normally, I wouldn’t share this kind of stuff with anyone…but your blog makes me feel much more normal.

    I like knowing that it’s okay if we have sex only once a week…that it’s fine if it lasts 10 minutes or over an hour…that it’s okay if I sometimes need an elaborate ritual to get in the mood. More women need to talk about these things. It’s depressing and lonely when you feel like the freak who doesn’t have enough sex or has too much or whatever your issue is.

    oh…and I’m pretty sure that having sex with someone who’s asleep under influence is illegal in most states…even if it is your wife. I know it’s illegal in my state and I’d be upset if my husband didn’t get my okay while I was soberly awake.

  • Natalia May 29, 2009, 1:29 pm

    Having sex with someone who is unconscious or so deeply asleep that she or he doesn’t notice has a name, “Richard”: RAPE.

  • Kim June 18, 2009, 12:17 pm

    Anon, you must not have kids!

  • Kim June 18, 2009, 12:19 pm

    I hope Richard is kidding.

  • phil July 27, 2009, 10:28 pm

    Ok how could a husband rape his wife you lib’s have really screwed things up. it says in the bible the a woman is to give herself to her husband and the husband is to give himself to his wife. so how is using what is yours rape!! this is whats wrong with the world to many people are trying to change the laws GOD set for us. maybe that is the only way she can have sex with Richard and what law says you have the right to tell a man and wife how to have sex

    • H September 15, 2012, 8:18 am

      You know, the Bible also says, ‘the man is to love his wife and give himself up for her as Christ did for the church’. Somehow, that doesn’t say ‘self centred sex’ to me.

    • mike March 9, 2015, 1:25 pm

      That’s why you should stop reading the bible.

  • L August 21, 2009, 5:06 pm

    Wow. I have a few comments.

    Phil – Are you kidding me? The simplest definition of rape is sex without consent. How can a woman (someone’s wife or otherwise) give consent while asleep? I am not in any way putting down your religious views, to each their own, but in no way does this:
    “it says in the bible the a woman is to give herself to her husband and the husband is to give himself to his wife. so how is using what is yours rape!!”

    translate into a that woman cannot say “No” to their husband. If someone’s wife is possibly ill or has some other ailment, a persons HUMAN rights kick in to say no to someone else “using” their body. It really upsets me that you honestly believe that Christianity condones rape.

    Anon – Sounds like a bunch of MUD. (Made-up-drama) ::Interested to know how old you even are…::

    Richard – Stop what you are doing because it is against the law. Does your wife know you do this? Has she told you that no matter what, you can do whatever you want to her while she’s asleep? I find that to be hard to believe.

  • HunkyDory September 10, 2009, 1:50 pm


    You are absolutely insane.

    There are these things called laws that were created by the legislative branch of government which you seem to have mixed up with “laws” created by some fictitious entity. Tell the judge that the bible said you could rape your wife and see how far that gets you.

  • Mikeo October 20, 2009, 5:52 am

    What if your mind wants to do it but nothing works from your brain down to your penis? I can occasionally get an erection but usually it goes down by the time i try to penetrate. I am on several medications but most of them I was on when I had a successful sex life with my ex-wife. She tricked me into having our fourth child; we talked and I said I wasn’t ready and she agreed; then she went off the pilll without telling me and got pregnant again. The birth was very traumatic. I don’t know if this has anything to do with it or not, but our sex life went from 3/week down to 1/month.

  • Rod Halls December 14, 2009, 10:44 pm

    Funny I was chatting with a friend about this just the other day, we share the same views.

  • Bobbo July 30, 2010, 12:35 pm

    My favorite way to get in the mood is to make a couple (or 3) long island iced teas for my wife. She seems to really relax with this. I then have 6 or 7 Dollar Store “presents” for her in glossy gift bags. I currently have a very nice picture frame, some silocone lube, a homemade CD with her favorite artists, fresh vibrator batteries, some cosmetics, and a card etc.. Total cost around 20 dollars. I’ll put these in the reusable gift bags tonight. Girls love presents! So after the first Long Island I mention that there are gifts and show her the packages. She can pick which package to open first. One provision, she has to give me a little suckie, suck before opening. This is very fun and playful. We then use or play with the gifts as she opens them throughout the night.

    By the last gift she is feeling pretty good and loved and doing me on the back deck like the energizer bunny. We then go to the bedroom where I spend special attention on her G-spot until she has at least 3 or 4 squirting orgasms.

    I guess according to your readers this would be considered rape as she is obviously intoxicated and too drunk to consent?? And I am after all a 50 year old, bald fat man!

    Special note to the ice queen T Jackel, above. I’m sure you were just joking? God I hope so! If not, come over to our place Friday and leave limp dick at home. My wife likes a little girl time as well, so I’m sure we could get your motor running. We would make it so that it is the most “vitally important” thing in your life! You could brag to all your friends about the 10 big Os you had!

  • B man December 5, 2010, 10:49 pm

    I say u never set a schedule b cuz my gf works for a coffee shop and if we plan it and she comes home from work tired then she is going to get mad as hell at me for trying to initiate sex… All I wanna know is how can I get her in the mood when she’s not into sexual movies, she is insecure about her body (no matter how much I tell her I love her body), and she comes home tired all the time??? I do dishes, clean her room, set the mood by lighting candles and yet I’m still shut down… I DON’T GET IT! PLEASE HELP!

  • vic January 13, 2011, 10:55 pm

    She obviously has issues that have nothing to do with you (B Man). You guys may need to seek some help from outside your relationship.

  • JF January 26, 2011, 8:44 am

    My husband and i have sex almost every night He is 45 and im 24 years old . i love buying sexy lingerie and dressing up for him! This makes things alot more interesting and fun!!!

  • j March 21, 2011, 4:56 pm

    Early 30′s here.

    My wife and I are down to about once every two months. That doesn’t sound too bad until you realize it’s about 6 times per year.

    She is always tired or sick or menstruating. No seriously it is always one of these three things. I have cleaned, cooked, got baby sitters, set up mood lighting, etc and still nothing.

    So about 6 times a year I press for it. She will say I’m acting weird but give in. She enjoys it, says she doesn’t know why we don’t do that more often. I’m at a loss. Over 90% of time I get shot down.

    I’m finding myself trying to not care so that it will be easier. Maybe I shouldn’t care.

    • anon April 26, 2011, 7:06 pm

      my wife says the same things too but actually I caught her talking to her friends saying those same things “Im tired….Im sick…i got my p.m.s…..all just so she can avoid sex.. But like you said after you do give her sex she will say things like what she said back in those old days like lets have more sex…talk dirty to me.I need you to stay for the night..You just need to take action sometimes…somedays when she gets home from work saying she all tired I’d pick her up put her in bed and start caressing her, slowly massaging her, next thing you know she gets all excited and hehe well you know the rest.

    • AussieV July 17, 2011, 9:01 pm

      J…. Im in the same boat as you, see my previouse comments, i have no idear what to do. :(

  • Mike June 9, 2011, 10:39 pm

    I don’t know what everyone situation is, but I have been with my wife for fifteen years. Haven’t been married fifteen years, but we have been together that long. Except for that time of month. We do it everyday at least twice a day. We have the best sex, and we both love it! Her and I are the happiest couple in the world!

    • Richard July 22, 2011, 1:05 pm


      I was married 22 years and had been having sex with her for 27 years. Just because you have great sex today does not mean you will tomorrow…don’t ever think that. It happened to me. My wife started going through peri-menopause and it has totally altered out wonderful sexy life. We too had sex 2 times a day everyday and when she was on her period…she still wanted to give me oral sex….I didn’t even have to hint at it. Well, I haven’t had any type of sex with her since Nov 16, 2011. The menopause has totally altered her moods and our great sex life. Appreciate the sex while you can get it….one day it may be gone!!!!!

  • M June 28, 2011, 11:38 pm

    Hi, the problem with me and my husb, is that we DO get in the’mood’ but after a while we find ourselves doing the same old stuff. I cant seem to make him understand that i dnt realy like it like i useto w/o making him feel bad. Help.

  • Kit July 2, 2011, 6:45 am

    I posted this on another article, but I realized it is more relevant here.

    My boyfriend (hope he will be my husband one day, we plan on it) has a lower sex drive than me. He says it’s not because he’s doesn’t desire me or any of that. He says he just doesn’t feel the need to do it so frequently. I admit that I do have a much higher sex drive than me, and this is not a question of fulfillment because he always makes me feel good. We still have a healthy amount of sex with 2 or 3 times a week, but I’m still left wanting more and sometimes I feel as though I am pressuring him into it sometimes.

    I sometimes feel hurt because as women we have always been fed the notion that men will be the ones pressuring us for sex and constantly asking for it, but I’M the one who wants it all the time.

    What should I do? I don’t want him to feel pressured and guilty for shooting me down.

    • Kris September 9, 2012, 8:13 pm

      I don’t know but I share your pain…

  • Lee February 14, 2012, 4:56 am

    As for the religious / rape in sleep comments. I agree with all and this is why… Yes, it is rape when there is no consent. However, if they have previous agreement that sex while sleeping is ok then there is no rape. Many women enjoy waking up to sex. My wife likes it. As I said as long as she/he has agreed beforehand in the relationship that if one wants to while the other is sleeping then it is not rape. My wife has woken up and told me no at times and then we just both cuddle and go back to sleep. Although, most of the time we do end up having sex. A lot of the time I am already having intercourse with her by the time she wakes up. So, just pay attention to what your partner responds to and talk to each other about what you want, like, and fantasies. Hope this was helpful!

  • R April 10, 2012, 4:58 am

    im 23 my wife is 24 we have been married for five years now we used to have sex about four times a day we have gotten alot busier but now we are only having sex about two time a month a that is with me pressuring her not alot but some pressure i dont like doing that way but i have tried setting the mood for her i even picked a second job and let her stay home and not have to go to work so she wouldnt be tired when i got home i dont know what to do

  • 420 May 11, 2012, 5:38 am

    been married 2 years now, my wife was sexually assaulted before we met and had to get an abortion. Consequently she was very scared of sex and every time i tried she would really freak out. After a while i stopped trying and decided to focus on other aspect of my relationship. few month back she started going to therapy and it did help her heaps. The problem is that now im not interested in sex, i struggle to get into the mood and keep avoiding the whole physical aspect of our relationship. I guess all the rejection has turned me off the idea of sex and that is now having adverse affects with our lives. i love her incredibly and have never pressured her into doing anything that she did not want to do but im afraid i may have permanently altered something between us. Not having consummated the marriage is killing my marriage and i have no idea how to get back to where we were before we got married.

  • ANON June 10, 2012, 3:26 pm

    quit smoking weed, weed helps kill your sex life, and makes your erections shorter, weaker, etc. do what you got to do to get your sex life moving. Maybe you two both just need to get drunk, then try your best?

    • JohnJacob June 14, 2012, 9:13 pm

      You are full of crap. Weed does nothing of the sort.

    • Roxanne May 15, 2013, 9:05 pm

      Dude, I smoke weed all the time and my sex drive is through the roof

    • Tina August 5, 2015, 5:17 pm

      I used to smoke weed before I got married and I would do myself so often my vagina would burn so that’s not true. I don’t smoke anymore because it made me sleep too much and I wasn’t very responsible while I was high but weed has nothing to do with sex drives.

  • J.L. June 28, 2012, 10:08 am

    So!…. what can you do, when your wife says… im not in the mood all the time? i myself loves to get off anyway and as often as posible! i get a response from her maybe 2 times a year. other than that,, if we make plans she just lays there.. and when askd if she still likes my body,she says theres no problem with our sex life… and she never was one that had sex all the time….. HELP….

  • Lucy August 19, 2012, 12:07 pm

    Hi, me and my boyfriend are in our early 20′s, we’ve been together for 3 years. He never seems to want to have sex when I do, I think i have a higher sex drive than him but sometimes we go a month without having sex. I have asked him why and his answer is that it’s because he’s too tired or he just wants to play on his games, I don’t believe him though because he never used to be like this. I’ve tried giving him massages, talking dirty, wearing sexy underwear. But nothing works. Has anyone else had this problem? Is it normal? I feel rejected and my self esteem is pretty rock bottom :( Help?

    • S January 17, 2013, 5:57 pm

      I have a similar (almost identical) problem with my significant other. He doesn’t ever want it and the excuses are typical: I’m tired, I have work early tomorrow, I’m afraid of getting you pregnant (even though we use birth control). And trust me it’s very difficult. I’ve taken to watching pornography online every chance I get but that doesn’t satisfy my hunger. I want him constantly and for a while I thought there was something wrong with me but the bottom line is that sometimes people really are just tired, stressed, or worried. I don’t know exactly if there is a problem with your relationship of not but with my relationship i’m confident that we love eachother very much and would never do anything to hinder that. But I agree with your self esteem issue and sympathize deeply. It’s very difficult to keep your self esteem up through so much rejection. I know it sucks and I’m sorry. But try telling yourself that he isn’t doing this on purpose. That’s what I try to tell myself and it help a little bit to ease the pain. I hope this helped a little bit, and stay strong.

  • Kris September 9, 2012, 8:11 pm

    Help! My husband and I have very different sex drives. I being the more randy of the pair. We have been married only 7 months and I am coming apart at the seams. I have done so much of the initiating that I am losing my momentum, and it is taking a toll on my self-esteem, and general moral. Worse still, it is making me jealous when we are out. I have never been a jealous person and I don’t like feeling this way. I take care of my body, try to look hot, all the normal stuff… How do I persuade him, make him want me/sex more, without feeling like I am having to demand it?

  • Mel November 3, 2012, 7:16 pm

    I recently had a very traumatic pregnancy and birth, which has made it painful and unappealing to have sex, even 5 months postpartum. My husband has no sympathy and complains at me for the infrequency of sex and that I am not exciting anymore because when we do have sex, I just can’t be as enthusiastic as I once was because I am hurting or distracted. He feels like this is part of why our marriage is crappy. I feel like my sex drive is crappy partly because he’s not trying very hard to fix our marriage. We are in such a bad rut. My doctor has offered me reconstructive surgery, but will only perform it once we are done having children. My body has been through horrible changes and will never be the same, and I’m really struggling with it. I feel like I don’t see a solution to my end of the problem, and I feel angry at him for being unsympathetic, which is very common for him. I fear that he may have confused lust for love in the beginning.

  • et November 6, 2012, 1:24 pm

    my wife is not enterested in sex any more we r togather all the time so i know shes not cheating . We are both 32 why has she lost that desire?

  • roxanne December 4, 2012, 7:04 am

    I have a very similar story to everyone else.
    I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 8 months now, so our relationship is still pretty new. Usually we have sex at least once a week. At the start of our relationship-and even up to recently too- we would be intimate any chance we could get. When we got together I was under the impression that she had quite a high sex drive, as we decided to be in an open relationship. Neither of is are ready to settle, and I’m not done exploring my sexuality, or ready for heavy commitment.
    Anyway, we’be always only had sex when its her idea. She has ADD, which affects our sex life. She has the shortest attention span imaginable. She’s even sat up half way through sex to go eat food, and if there’s a fly in the room she’ll get distracted.
    Also because of her ADD she has hypersensitivity and can sometimes want to be touched, but can’t stand the feeling.
    It can get frustrating and I’m trying my hardest to be understanding.

    The last 2 months or so our sex life has been rocky and I’ve been getting more and more sexually frustrated with each passing day- even more so on days where we have opportunities to have sex but I get denied when I attempt anything.
    It’s a total bummer and a blow to my self esteem.
    Within the last few weeks she went to a great deal to go have sex with one of her male friends. She travelled across town, had 4 hours sleep and work the next day, also going back to his place after spending the night clubbing.

    She won’t have sex with me after she’s been out in town or work due to fatigue, and if I stay at hers on a weeknight its a big fat no cuz she needs her rest for work.

    We recently had an argument about it and she told me I sound like all her past partners, how sex is the only important thing to anyone and I just felt like a dick for even bothering to say anything. Now I don’t even know how to initiate sex without coming off like its a guilt trip.

    The other night she was really horny, so I gave her oral and she passed out. I asked if we could wake up early so she could return the favour and she said no cuz she wanted a sleep in before work. It was so upsetting I had to bite my hand just to stop myself from crying.

    I hate this, but it seems like I’m not the only person in this situation…

  • Jade December 7, 2012, 4:07 pm

    I have had 2 daughters, now ages 2+3 and I’m expecting again. I used to have an extremely high sex drive, but lately… nothing… absolutely do not desire it what so ever. I know my boyfriend wants it, so sometimes I ”try” but even when it feels good I don’t climax… it’s like I’m in a constant plateu, I can’t even make myself cum by masterbation…which is really odd… has any other women experienced this during pregnancy and if so when did it end?? I don’t want my boyfriend to find something else cause I just don’t desire sex anymore…and being pregnant isn’t helping me feel sexy enough to be in the mood…

    • j February 15, 2014, 3:23 pm

      you should feel extremely sexy there is nothing more beatiful in the world than a pregnant woman……when my first wife was pregnant i sometimes would just watch her walk around nude because she looked so beautiful carrying our child

  • S January 17, 2013, 5:50 pm

    I’m 21 years old and having trouble getting my boyfriend of 3 years to do anything sexual with me. I offer and offer and offer and all I get is no. It really hurts my self esteem and I’ve never had this problem with any man before. I’ve tried new outfits, new places, talking dirty, being romantic… doesn’t work. I know he isn’t gay, and I know sometimes people’s sex drives go down but for the love of God this is killing me! I feel I could probably go at it 3 or 4 times a day and he only agrees about once a month. What should I do? We’re both healthy, good looking (not being conceited but it’s true), and we both love eachother very much. I’m running out of ways to try and coax him out of this slump and being a recovering compulsive cheater in my earlier years this is beginning to get very difficult. What do I do? I wouldn’t cheat on him but I can’t say I haven’t been tempted to due to this lack of sex. Oh well all that matters is I love him. I guess I’ll just have to hope beyond hope that someday he snaps out of this and gives it up way more often than now.

  • wrecked February 22, 2013, 7:43 pm

    I’m 39 my wife is 43 we got together in 1993, got married in 96. Sex was great, especially in the beginning, our fist night together we had sex seven times. She use to tell me I was the best lover she had ever had. After marriage I worked a lot, I made great money and she didn’t have to work. I told her she could quit at any time. We averaged sex the first few years around 7 to 10 times a week. She wound up with cervical cancer, but surgery fixed that problem. During the time from her finding out to her healing from the surgery we didn’t have sex. I was still horny, so I saited my desire with porn from movies and internet porn. After she healed and the dr said no more cancer, we began having sex again. But by then I had an addiction to porn. Our sex for the next year and a half was around three times a week. We decided to try having a child. I think it was more my idea than hers. Also we moved to a trailer and began saving money. We had the land and wanted money for a down payment on building a house. When we moved I got ride of all my porn and didn’t have a internet connection we were saving money. We both changed jobs, I took a stress free job at a factory, for less than half what I was making so she had to work too. I knew that to be a good father and husband I needed to be around more. The other job involved me working 100 plus hours a week. When she was pregnant I thought she was the most beautiful women in the world. Yet she had no desire for sex. I figured it would change after the baby was born. I toughed it out. No porn, but I used her panties. Sorry I know that was rude but its the truth. She knew I was doing it. After the child was born still no sex. Been pretty much that way ever since. That was the year 2000 when she got pregnant. I never cheated, out of sexual flushstration I began getting high, just smoked a lot of weed. Then I started using meth. Our total sex count from 2000 till now is mabey fifty times. I got off dope after a few years. We have a house. Stayed in the trailer about a year and a half. I’ve tried everything read every book. Reminded her daily at the beganing that she was the love of my life. That she was beautiful. I finally gave up trying. If you have to beg what’s the use? Every month though I would ask her to see a dr, she kept saying she had no desire. I kept saying please see a dr. I set up appointments she wouldn’t go. Last year I began seeing three other woman. I didn’t hide the messages on my phone or Facebook. After six months of me coming home late walking out of the room to talk on the phone she finally got it. She was so angry. But so was I. She asked why I did it. Well I told her. She wouldn’t take any of the blame, just said all I had to do was tell her. What kind of fantasy world did she live in? After fighting for three months because I couldn’t leave, you see I still love her. She is still the most beautiful women in the world to me. When she was really skinny and had small breast that is what I liked. When she would gain weight that is what I like. What ever she looks like is what I find attractive. I’ve told her that but I don’t know if she believes me.she is finally seeing a dr and a shrink. Sex started for a few months. Now she is saying no again. WTH? I stopped seeing the other women, I never loved them I thought of my wife when I was with them. They were just bodies. What do I do now?

  • Andy March 11, 2013, 5:23 pm

    19 my gf is 21 we have sex maybe 5 times a month, both of us are busy and my job as a full time chef I am often to tired, stressed or angry to really put in the effort. Once in a while it works in my favor and I take out my aggression on her but regardless we usually spend an hour or two together for the beginning middle end of sex and take our time.
    I would be lying if I said a time or two more a month would be nice but all in all I still feel the love

  • illusions May 14, 2013, 6:02 pm

    wrecked, I feel it for you, that is a hard thing to go through, but if your truly love her you should wait and see how things develop, help her through her therapy be more understanding, that will grow her desire for you, sexually and emotionally. a woman responds to a man’s holistic approach to her which makes sex flow natural.

    my problem is that i love my husband, i fantasize about sex with him but it seems that when we do it it never comes out the way i dreamt it plus i am not aroused by just looking sometimes we start fondling and i have to tell myself focus, think horny, get horny and still nothing
    i am here looking for some insight i dont know what to do,

    • Lilly October 18, 2013, 9:58 am

      I must , a man who does not want sex? There is something wrong! It’s really important to keep the sex life going, my husband and I are not parents yet witch probly makes it easyer , but there’s nothing better than having a night out and seeing all the girl or guys wanting what u have! It actually make a person feel proud and attracted to them all over again , we have sex everywhere in house and we love it!!! Oh and quickies are at least better than nothing . But if u ever feel unwanted , till about it before it gets out of hand .

  • Lee January 27, 2014, 5:34 am

    I cant believe what some of you are going through, it really sounds awful. I know that its so easy for a person to get stuck in a routine. Especially for a women, you come home, you are tired from work, then you have to cook etc. etc. Definitely make her feel sexy and special. When she gets home from work, have a bubble bath run for her. Tell her she is beautiful. Tell her you are going to cook the dinner tonight and she must just relax. Also when you do have sex, take your time and please her. I have heard a lot of women complain about how their partner just thinks of themselves, ready for it and then its quick and over. There are a few reasons she may fight with you when you bring the sex thing up, maybe she is having an affair, maybe she feels like you are treating her just like a sex object and not a sexy women. Maybe she is hating her body and not feeling attractive at all. Go to a sex shop together, buy her sexy underwear. I know that if I read a book with sex in it, or watch a movie I can totally get in the mood.

  • tami November 29, 2015, 3:03 am


  • Glynn Tidwell May 29, 2016, 7:45 pm

    Once or twice a week or once a month. He,, I’m lucky to get it once a year

  • DeCaf June 3, 2016, 9:07 am

    Last time we had sex was 40 years ago.


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