Here are 12 surefire ways to get your turn on your inner love machine.
Do less. It’s really simple. We’re all doing too much, and most of it just doesn’t have to be done. Create downtime every evening. Literally find ways to make yourself bored. With boredom comes sexual interest.
Sleep more. Enough said. You just can’t feel sexy if you never quite feel awake.
Feel good about yourself. Exercise. Eat well. Take care of yourself. The better care you take of your body, the better you will feel about your body. The better you feel about your body, the sexier you’ll feel.
Read a dirty book. I bought some erotica about a year ago. I’m not going to write the title of the book because it would require me to flag this blog for “adult content.” All I can say is that I thought it was soooo beneath me. The writing was only slightly more elaborate than See Dick Run. I honestly thought I’d wasted my money until I got to the fourth paragraph and begged my husband to step out of the shower already. If you are too embarrassed to keep true erotica in your home (perhaps you suspect that the baby sitter peeks around a little too much), then any romance novel will do. For that matter, so will any book in the Twilight series.
Watch a sexy DVD. It doesn’t have to be official porn. Try 9 1/2 Weeks, Body Heat, Bull Durham, The Big Easy, The Postman Always Rings Twice, Basic Instinct. I could go on and on but, I’m thinking, you might have your own personal favorites.
Talk dirty. Lie in bed together. Cuddle. Take turns sharing your wildest sexual fantasies. Describe the scene with all of your senses: what you see, what you feel, what you taste, and so on.
Give each other a massage. Once you relax, you’ll get in the mood.
Lie on top of the sheets naked. Depending on the time of year and your level of privacy, open the window so you can feel a breeze on your skin. Close your eyes and relax (Don’t do the closing your eyes part, however, if you are so sleep deprived that you’ll end up falling asleep).
Spice it up. Part of the turn-off of long-term monogamy stems from monotony—doing the same old sexual routine every single time. He kisses you here. Then you touch him there. Point A goes into slot B. Oh, so been there, done that. Try new locations. For instance, try out all of the rooms of your house. Then move to the backyard. Try new positions. Try new outfits.
Try some give and take. If you’re not in the mood, spend some time pleasuring him. Chances are, by the time he’s done, you’ll want him to return the favor.
Use lube. Creating the illusion of feeling in the mood will often stimulate the mood. And forget the crap that’s sold at the convenience store. Use organic coconut oil. It works better than anything else.
Start with a toy. Give him your vibrator and see how well he uses this magic wand. Pretty soon you’ll be revved up and ready for the real thing.
TODAY’S PROJECT POINTERS
Break the initiation-turn-down cycle. The person who wants sex the least is the one who has the most power. The person who wants it the most has the least. If one of you initiates most of the time and the other says no most of the time, your relationship is out of balance. Create a more equal distribution of power by:
1. Agreeing on a sexual frequency that you can both live with. Twice a week. Once a week. Once a month. Compromise.
2. Then either schedule it, or have the person with the lower drive do the initiating. The only rule is that you HAVE to stick to the pre-determined level of frequency.
Copyright 2008 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
Yes, but..
My poor wife has degenerative joint disease. She’s in constant pain even with drugs. When everything hurts, sex is not fun for either of us.
You can live without sex, especially as you get older. I’m not saying that’s ideal or anything to give up lightly, but like everything else, sometimes disease makes ordinary things impossible.
We compensate with more gentle intimacy – more tender hugs and kisses, more verbal expressions of love. Again, not ideal, but it keeps us close.
This is not something I’d ordinarily talk about. I mention it only because someone in a similar situation might feel guilty and I think they should know that it’s OK and it doesn’t mean the end of love.
Sometimes we simply have to adjust for reality.
She should try seeing a chiropractor! Adjustments could help to ease the pain and get joint fluids flowing, it may certainly not fix it but it is a good holistic alternative or addition to prescription medications. The chiropractor may also be able to give you positions that would put the least amount of stress on her joints. I used to work in a chiropractic office so I at least know the doctor would be able to help you find positions that would put the least amount of stress on her.
I was having back pain from my job since December. I finally went to a health food store. She told me about Curcumin capsules. You are suppost to take 2 in the morning and 2 at night. It took a couple days to kick in but it worked. I feel better
I take 2 before I go to work. And I have to keep them up on my days off. Otherwise
it takes a while to kick in again. It was 36.00 dollars for 60 capsules. But I looked in the vitamin catalog and they are buy 1 get 1 free. Plus there are deals online.
This is her # 1 pain killer at the health food store. Arthritis, inflamation, back pain
joint pain ect…
Try Mila…look it up…it may help a lot.
http://nepa.lifemax.net/
Anthony….kudos to you. To be understanding … Amazing . Most guys just cheat instead.
#4. It makes you feel good. Have you ever finished having sex and thought, “Darn, that was a complete waste of my time.”?…….Yes, actually. All the time, every time, my whole sexually active life. Also, I am just as tightly wound the morning after as I was the day before. Every waking moment is vitally important and something needs to be accomplished, relaxation is not an option. I don’t believe that sex makes you look younger either, that’s silly. I am 43 and look about 28-30. Sex, or the lack thereof, is not the causative factor, it is the result of looking younger or older. A woman who looks 10-12 years older than her age is probably not going to be desired by anyone so therefore, no sex, get it? I love my husband no doubt about it but for me sex was only a means by which I could have the children I (we) wanted. He is a fabulous person and perhaps the best father ever and thankfully not overly concerned about sex. What I really want out of any relationship is respect. Period. I know women are supposed to really need to be loved, but that is not me. I say, do what you want, be happy with yourself and your life and stop feeling guilty about not wanting sex. We have been brainwashed into thinking that it is not normal to abstain, but in actuality, it is normal.
Hmm not interested in sex at all ? and he is fine with that ? is he even male , i mean , i barely get any sort of sex at all, no touching nothing , my partner backs away from me every time i try something , befor you ask no im not presureing her to have sex with me , but come on almost 8 months with no sort of sexual tact ? realy ? yes i love her and she loves me but some times its just all to much , every time i try and talk to her about it she gets all defencive and starts yelling pretty much. it gets to the point of thinking well im horny coz i have’t got ay for over 8 months its just as easy to get up and go and play a fkn computer game , now you tell me thats normal. sex is part of a healthy relationship, i mean i would be happy with once a fortning or hell even once a month. but seriously its starting to give me the shits. and i have no idear how to get her in the mood , it makes me wonder if shes onlu haveing sex with me to please me at times, makes me feel like shit and that shes not attracted to me any more. so im out of idears , i mean she likes me going down on her and what not. we where kid free last night , i thought awsome a good time to actualy make love. yeah no , she just went to sleep and me thinking fuck this , got up and jumped on the pc for the rest of the nite …….. now you tell me that makes sence ?
Where do you find organic coconut oil. Is there a specific store?
Organic coconut oil is found near the rest of the cooking oil stuff (olive oil, corn oil, Crisco, etc) at most grocery stores. Some stores don’t carry it because, you know, it’s really high in saturated fat so people stopped buying in. Oddly, it’s a lot easier to find in health food stores. It comes in a jar or tub and is solid at room temp. It looks a lot like Crisco. Once it warms up (human skin is warm enough) it melts.
This is one of my most favorite posts ever! I laugh to the point of tears every time I read this! Thanks for sharing!
Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
I foudn you via 31DBBB and I’m sure glad I did. Great article
Wow, 4 times a week is a lot? We do it a minimum 3 times a day. If my partner didn’t want it at least once a day, I think I’d get a replacement. The notion of scheduling in sex in a week is crazy. In my mind, its always been scheduling in the day, and how to fit an extra.
Combine that infrequency with the shortness of the session you described in a recent post, and you hardly have sex at all. I will mention that my ideal session time is 30-90 minutes with the 3+ sessions as day. So, figure 4 of every 24 hours I’m spending having sex, YAY! There’s nothing else I could want to do more than that. BTW, that pool on the related post lacked an option for something more than an hour but short of all day long. I might spend a day doing nothing else but having sex (lazy weekend), but its not all one long session.
My wife takes sleeping pills. Some times I have sex with her while she is asleep
In response to those who feel feel sex with your spouse is a complete waste of time I feel sorry for you and your spouse. Sex is a normal part of a marriage. Your spouse may not be concerned with sex because you have zero interest. How do you know he not repressing his normal desire for his mate? It is not a repulsive act but a way of being the most intimate with your spouse. You/he are missing an important part of a wonderful marriage. You may be fine with this but are you sure he is? Abstaining is not the normal state of a marriage. There are instances when this is necessary or needed but it is not brainwashing to think and be intimate with your spouse. I do not think any post or the article claims that sex is what we should make the #1 priority in a marriage nor has a guilty trip been put on anyone.
I’m so glad I found this blog. My husband and I are younger…mid 20s, early 30s…and we have “high” sex drives but we’re both grad students with full times jobs so we’re TIRED. Sex once a week is a good goal for us; I’ll actually get depressed if we go on two weeks. When your schedule is packed like ours, it can be hard for a girl to get in the mood. Similar to your “Lie on top of the sheets naked” I have ‘naked naps.’ After a long day, I’ll take a shower with the lights on low and shave. I take my time putting on lotion and then lay in bed under just the the sheets (or sometimes with just a silky robe). If I nod off for 30 minutes or so, I’ll wake up relaxed and ready…or if my husband finds me before I fall asleep, I’m already half way there. Normally, I wouldn’t share this kind of stuff with anyone…but your blog makes me feel much more normal.
I like knowing that it’s okay if we have sex only once a week…that it’s fine if it lasts 10 minutes or over an hour…that it’s okay if I sometimes need an elaborate ritual to get in the mood. More women need to talk about these things. It’s depressing and lonely when you feel like the freak who doesn’t have enough sex or has too much or whatever your issue is.
oh…and I’m pretty sure that having sex with someone who’s asleep under influence is illegal in most states…even if it is your wife. I know it’s illegal in my state and I’d be upset if my husband didn’t get my okay while I was soberly awake.
Having sex with someone who is unconscious or so deeply asleep that she or he doesn’t notice has a name, “Richard”: RAPE.
Anon, you must not have kids!
I hope Richard is kidding.
Ok how could a husband rape his wife you lib’s have really screwed things up. it says in the bible the a woman is to give herself to her husband and the husband is to give himself to his wife. so how is using what is yours rape!! this is whats wrong with the world to many people are trying to change the laws GOD set for us. maybe that is the only way she can have sex with Richard and what law says you have the right to tell a man and wife how to have sex
Wow. I have a few comments.
Phil – Are you kidding me? The simplest definition of rape is sex without consent. How can a woman (someone’s wife or otherwise) give consent while asleep? I am not in any way putting down your religious views, to each their own, but in no way does this:
“it says in the bible the a woman is to give herself to her husband and the husband is to give himself to his wife. so how is using what is yours rape!!”
translate into a that woman cannot say “No” to their husband. If someone’s wife is possibly ill or has some other ailment, a persons HUMAN rights kick in to say no to someone else “using” their body. It really upsets me that you honestly believe that Christianity condones rape.
Anon – Sounds like a bunch of MUD. (Made-up-drama) ::Interested to know how old you even are…::
Richard – Stop what you are doing because it is against the law. Does your wife know you do this? Has she told you that no matter what, you can do whatever you want to her while she’s asleep? I find that to be hard to believe.
phil,
You are absolutely insane.
There are these things called laws that were created by the legislative branch of government which you seem to have mixed up with “laws” created by some fictitious entity. Tell the judge that the bible said you could rape your wife and see how far that gets you.
What if your mind wants to do it but nothing works from your brain down to your penis? I can occasionally get an erection but usually it goes down by the time i try to penetrate. I am on several medications but most of them I was on when I had a successful sex life with my ex-wife. She tricked me into having our fourth child; we talked and I said I wasn’t ready and she agreed; then she went off the pilll without telling me and got pregnant again. The birth was very traumatic. I don’t know if this has anything to do with it or not, but our sex life went from 3/week down to 1/month.
Funny I was chatting with a friend about this just the other day, we share the same views.
My favorite way to get in the mood is to make a couple (or 3) long island iced teas for my wife. She seems to really relax with this. I then have 6 or 7 Dollar Store “presents” for her in glossy gift bags. I currently have a very nice picture frame, some silocone lube, a homemade CD with her favorite artists, fresh vibrator batteries, some cosmetics, and a card etc.. Total cost around 20 dollars. I’ll put these in the reusable gift bags tonight. Girls love presents! So after the first Long Island I mention that there are gifts and show her the packages. She can pick which package to open first. One provision, she has to give me a little suckie, suck before opening. This is very fun and playful. We then use or play with the gifts as she opens them throughout the night.
By the last gift she is feeling pretty good and loved and doing me on the back deck like the energizer bunny. We then go to the bedroom where I spend special attention on her G-spot until she has at least 3 or 4 squirting orgasms.
I guess according to your readers this would be considered rape as she is obviously intoxicated and too drunk to consent?? And I am after all a 50 year old, bald fat man!
Special note to the ice queen T Jackel, above. I’m sure you were just joking? God I hope so! If not, come over to our place Friday and leave limp dick at home. My wife likes a little girl time as well, so I’m sure we could get your motor running. We would make it so that it is the most “vitally important” thing in your life! You could brag to all your friends about the 10 big Os you had!
I say u never set a schedule b cuz my gf works for a coffee shop and if we plan it and she comes home from work tired then she is going to get mad as hell at me for trying to initiate sex… All I wanna know is how can I get her in the mood when she’s not into sexual movies, she is insecure about her body (no matter how much I tell her I love her body), and she comes home tired all the time??? I do dishes, clean her room, set the mood by lighting candles and yet I’m still shut down… I DON’T GET IT! PLEASE HELP!
She obviously has issues that have nothing to do with you (B Man). You guys may need to seek some help from outside your relationship.
My husband and i have sex almost every night He is 45 and im 24 years old . i love buying sexy lingerie and dressing up for him! This makes things alot more interesting and fun!!!
Early 30′s here.
My wife and I are down to about once every two months. That doesn’t sound too bad until you realize it’s about 6 times per year.
She is always tired or sick or menstruating. No seriously it is always one of these three things. I have cleaned, cooked, got baby sitters, set up mood lighting, etc and still nothing.
So about 6 times a year I press for it. She will say I’m acting weird but give in. She enjoys it, says she doesn’t know why we don’t do that more often. I’m at a loss. Over 90% of time I get shot down.
I’m finding myself trying to not care so that it will be easier. Maybe I shouldn’t care.
my wife says the same things too but actually I caught her talking to her friends saying those same things “Im tired….Im sick…i got my p.m.s…..all just so she can avoid sex.. But like you said after you do give her sex she will say things like what she said back in those old days like lets have more sex…talk dirty to me.I need you to stay for the night..You just need to take action sometimes…somedays when she gets home from work saying she all tired I’d pick her up put her in bed and start caressing her, slowly massaging her, next thing you know she gets all excited and hehe well you know the rest.
J…. Im in the same boat as you, see my previouse comments, i have no idear what to do.
I don’t know what everyone situation is, but I have been with my wife for fifteen years. Haven’t been married fifteen years, but we have been together that long. Except for that time of month. We do it everyday at least twice a day. We have the best sex, and we both love it! Her and I are the happiest couple in the world!
Mike,
I was married 22 years and had been having sex with her for 27 years. Just because you have great sex today does not mean you will tomorrow…don’t ever think that. It happened to me. My wife started going through peri-menopause and it has totally altered out wonderful sexy life. We too had sex 2 times a day everyday and when she was on her period…she still wanted to give me oral sex….I didn’t even have to hint at it. Well, I haven’t had any type of sex with her since Nov 16, 2011. The menopause has totally altered her moods and our great sex life. Appreciate the sex while you can get it….one day it may be gone!!!!!
Hi, the problem with me and my husb, is that we DO get in the’mood’ but after a while we find ourselves doing the same old stuff. I cant seem to make him understand that i dnt realy like it like i useto w/o making him feel bad. Help.
I posted this on another article, but I realized it is more relevant here.
My boyfriend (hope he will be my husband one day, we plan on it) has a lower sex drive than me. He says it’s not because he’s doesn’t desire me or any of that. He says he just doesn’t feel the need to do it so frequently. I admit that I do have a much higher sex drive than me, and this is not a question of fulfillment because he always makes me feel good. We still have a healthy amount of sex with 2 or 3 times a week, but I’m still left wanting more and sometimes I feel as though I am pressuring him into it sometimes.
I sometimes feel hurt because as women we have always been fed the notion that men will be the ones pressuring us for sex and constantly asking for it, but I’M the one who wants it all the time.
What should I do? I don’t want him to feel pressured and guilty for shooting me down.
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