12 surefire ways to get in the mood
Here are 12 surefire ways to get your turn on your inner love machine.
Do less. It’s really simple. We’re all doing too much, and most of it just doesn’t have to be done. Create downtime every evening. Literally find ways to make yourself bored. With boredom comes sexual interest.
Sleep more. Enough said. You just can’t feel sexy if you never quite feel awake.
Feel good about yourself. Exercise. Eat well. Take care of yourself. The better care you take of your body, the better you will feel about your body. The better you feel about your body, the sexier you’ll feel.
Read a dirty book. I bought some erotica about a year ago. I’m not going to write the title of the book because it would require me to flag this blog for “adult content.” All I can say is that I thought it was soooo beneath me. The writing was only slightly more elaborate than See Dick Run. I honestly thought I’d wasted my money until I got to the fourth paragraph and begged my husband to step out of the shower already. If you are too embarrassed to keep true erotica in your home (perhaps you suspect that the baby sitter peeks around a little too much), then any romance novel will do. For that matter, so will any book in the Twilight series.
Watch a sexy DVD. It doesn’t have to be official porn. Try 9 1/2 Weeks, Body Heat, Bull Durham, The Big Easy, The Postman Always Rings Twice, Basic Instinct. I could go on and on but, I’m thinking, you might have your own personal favorites.
Talk dirty. Lie in bed together. Cuddle. Take turns sharing your wildest sexual fantasies. Describe the scene with all of your senses: what you see, what you feel, what you taste, and so on.
Give each other a massage. Once you relax, you’ll get in the mood.
Lie on top of the sheets naked. Depending on the time of year and your level of privacy, open the window so you can feel a breeze on your skin. Close your eyes and relax (Don’t do the closing your eyes part, however, if you are so sleep deprived that you’ll end up falling asleep).
Spice it up. Part of the turn-off of long-term monogamy stems from monotony—doing the same old sexual routine every single time. He kisses you here. Then you touch him there. Point A goes into slot B. Oh, so been there, done that. Try new locations. For instance, try out all of the rooms of your house. Then move to the backyard. Try new positions. Try new outfits.
Try some give and take. If you’re not in the mood, spend some time pleasuring him. Chances are, by the time he’s done, you’ll want him to return the favor.
Use lube. Creating the illusion of feeling in the mood will often stimulate the mood. And forget the crap that’s sold at the convenience store. Use organic coconut oil. It works better than anything else.
Start with a toy. Give him your vibrator and see how well he uses this magic wand. Pretty soon you’ll be revved up and ready for the real thing.
TODAY’S PROJECT POINTERS
Break the initiation-turn-down cycle. The person who wants sex the least is the one who has the most power. The person who wants it the most has the least. If one of you initiates most of the time and the other says no most of the time, your relationship is out of balance. Create a more equal distribution of power by:
1. Agreeing on a sexual frequency that you can both live with. Twice a week. Once a week. Once a month. Compromise.
2. Then either schedule it, or have the person with the lower drive do the initiating. The only rule is that you HAVE to stick to the pre-determined level of frequency.
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Tags: happy marriage, hot monogomy, marital advice, marriage problems, relationship advice, Sex advice
December 30th, 2008 at 9:23 am
Yes, but..
My poor wife has degenerative joint disease. She’s in constant pain even with drugs. When everything hurts, sex is not fun for either of us.
You can live without sex, especially as you get older. I’m not saying that’s ideal or anything to give up lightly, but like everything else, sometimes disease makes ordinary things impossible.
We compensate with more gentle intimacy – more tender hugs and kisses, more verbal expressions of love. Again, not ideal, but it keeps us close.
This is not something I’d ordinarily talk about. I mention it only because someone in a similar situation might feel guilty and I think they should know that it’s OK and it doesn’t mean the end of love.
Sometimes we simply have to adjust for reality.
December 30th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
[...] Have sex, even if you don’t want to. Yes, it’s that important. Just do it. If you can’t get in the mood, watch girl on girl erotica or read something similar. Really—don’t call me nasty until you’ve tried it. For more ways to get in the mood, see 12 surefire ways to get in the mood. [...]
January 8th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
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February 11th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
#4. It makes you feel good. Have you ever finished having sex and thought, “Darn, that was a complete waste of my time.”?…….Yes, actually. All the time, every time, my whole sexually active life. Also, I am just as tightly wound the morning after as I was the day before. Every waking moment is vitally important and something needs to be accomplished, relaxation is not an option. I don’t believe that sex makes you look younger either, that’s silly. I am 43 and look about 28-30. Sex, or the lack thereof, is not the causative factor, it is the result of looking younger or older. A woman who looks 10-12 years older than her age is probably not going to be desired by anyone so therefore, no sex, get it? I love my husband no doubt about it but for me sex was only a means by which I could have the children I (we) wanted. He is a fabulous person and perhaps the best father ever and thankfully not overly concerned about sex. What I really want out of any relationship is respect. Period. I know women are supposed to really need to be loved, but that is not me. I say, do what you want, be happy with yourself and your life and stop feeling guilty about not wanting sex. We have been brainwashed into thinking that it is not normal to abstain, but in actuality, it is normal.
March 10th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Where do you find organic coconut oil. Is there a specific store?
March 10th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Organic coconut oil is found near the rest of the cooking oil stuff (olive oil, corn oil, Crisco, etc) at most grocery stores. Some stores don’t carry it because, you know, it’s really high in saturated fat so people stopped buying in. Oddly, it’s a lot easier to find in health food stores. It comes in a jar or tub and is solid at room temp. It looks a lot like Crisco. Once it warms up (human skin is warm enough) it melts.
April 13th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
This is one of my most favorite posts ever! I laugh to the point of tears every time I read this! Thanks for sharing!
Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
April 24th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
I foudn you via 31DBBB and I’m sure glad I did. Great article
April 29th, 2009 at 6:07 am
Wow, 4 times a week is a lot? We do it a minimum 3 times a day. If my partner didn’t want it at least once a day, I think I’d get a replacement. The notion of scheduling in sex in a week is crazy. In my mind, its always been scheduling in the day, and how to fit an extra.
Combine that infrequency with the shortness of the session you described in a recent post, and you hardly have sex at all. I will mention that my ideal session time is 30-90 minutes with the 3+ sessions as day. So, figure 4 of every 24 hours I’m spending having sex, YAY! There’s nothing else I could want to do more than that. BTW, that pool on the related post lacked an option for something more than an hour but short of all day long. I might spend a day doing nothing else but having sex (lazy weekend), but its not all one long session.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:24 am
My wife takes sleeping pills. Some times I have sex with her while she is asleep
May 19th, 2009 at 8:04 am
In response to those who feel feel sex with your spouse is a complete waste of time I feel sorry for you and your spouse. Sex is a normal part of a marriage. Your spouse may not be concerned with sex because you have zero interest. How do you know he not repressing his normal desire for his mate? It is not a repulsive act but a way of being the most intimate with your spouse. You/he are missing an important part of a wonderful marriage. You may be fine with this but are you sure he is? Abstaining is not the normal state of a marriage. There are instances when this is necessary or needed but it is not brainwashing to think and be intimate with your spouse. I do not think any post or the article claims that sex is what we should make the #1 priority in a marriage nor has a guilty trip been put on anyone.
May 24th, 2009 at 11:48 pm
I’m so glad I found this blog. My husband and I are younger…mid 20s, early 30s…and we have “high” sex drives but we’re both grad students with full times jobs so we’re TIRED. Sex once a week is a good goal for us; I’ll actually get depressed if we go on two weeks. When your schedule is packed like ours, it can be hard for a girl to get in the mood. Similar to your “Lie on top of the sheets naked” I have ‘naked naps.’ After a long day, I’ll take a shower with the lights on low and shave. I take my time putting on lotion and then lay in bed under just the the sheets (or sometimes with just a silky robe). If I nod off for 30 minutes or so, I’ll wake up relaxed and ready…or if my husband finds me before I fall asleep, I’m already half way there. Normally, I wouldn’t share this kind of stuff with anyone…but your blog makes me feel much more normal.
I like knowing that it’s okay if we have sex only once a week…that it’s fine if it lasts 10 minutes or over an hour…that it’s okay if I sometimes need an elaborate ritual to get in the mood. More women need to talk about these things. It’s depressing and lonely when you feel like the freak who doesn’t have enough sex or has too much or whatever your issue is.
oh…and I’m pretty sure that having sex with someone who’s asleep under influence is illegal in most states…even if it is your wife. I know it’s illegal in my state and I’d be upset if my husband didn’t get my okay while I was soberly awake.
May 29th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Having sex with someone who is unconscious or so deeply asleep that she or he doesn’t notice has a name, “Richard”: RAPE.
June 18th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Anon, you must not have kids!
June 18th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
I hope Richard is kidding.
July 27th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
Ok how could a husband rape his wife you lib’s have really screwed things up. it says in the bible the a woman is to give herself to her husband and the husband is to give himself to his wife. so how is using what is yours rape!! this is whats wrong with the world to many people are trying to change the laws GOD set for us. maybe that is the only way she can have sex with Richard and what law says you have the right to tell a man and wife how to have sex
August 21st, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Wow. I have a few comments.
Phil – Are you kidding me? The simplest definition of rape is sex without consent. How can a woman (someone’s wife or otherwise) give consent while asleep? I am not in any way putting down your religious views, to each their own, but in no way does this:
“it says in the bible the a woman is to give herself to her husband and the husband is to give himself to his wife. so how is using what is yours rape!!”
translate into a that woman cannot say “No” to their husband. If someone’s wife is possibly ill or has some other ailment, a persons HUMAN rights kick in to say no to someone else “using” their body. It really upsets me that you honestly believe that Christianity condones rape.
Anon – Sounds like a bunch of MUD. (Made-up-drama) ::Interested to know how old you even are…::
Richard – Stop what you are doing because it is against the law. Does your wife know you do this? Has she told you that no matter what, you can do whatever you want to her while she’s asleep? I find that to be hard to believe.
September 10th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
phil,
You are absolutely insane.
There are these things called laws that were created by the legislative branch of government which you seem to have mixed up with “laws” created by some fictitious entity. Tell the judge that the bible said you could rape your wife and see how far that gets you.
October 20th, 2009 at 5:52 am
What if your mind wants to do it but nothing works from your brain down to your penis? I can occasionally get an erection but usually it goes down by the time i try to penetrate. I am on several medications but most of them I was on when I had a successful sex life with my ex-wife. She tricked me into having our fourth child; we talked and I said I wasn’t ready and she agreed; then she went off the pilll without telling me and got pregnant again. The birth was very traumatic. I don’t know if this has anything to do with it or not, but our sex life went from 3/week down to 1/month.
December 14th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
Funny I was chatting with a friend about this just the other day, we share the same views.
January 20th, 2010 at 8:31 pm
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February 18th, 2010 at 3:36 pm
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July 30th, 2010 at 12:35 pm
My favorite way to get in the mood is to make a couple (or 3) long island iced teas for my wife. She seems to really relax with this. I then have 6 or 7 Dollar Store “presents” for her in glossy gift bags. I currently have a very nice picture frame, some silocone lube, a homemade CD with her favorite artists, fresh vibrator batteries, some cosmetics, and a card etc.. Total cost around 20 dollars. I’ll put these in the reusable gift bags tonight. Girls love presents! So after the first Long Island I mention that there are gifts and show her the packages. She can pick which package to open first. One provision, she has to give me a little suckie, suck before opening. This is very fun and playful. We then use or play with the gifts as she opens them throughout the night.
By the last gift she is feeling pretty good and loved and doing me on the back deck like the energizer bunny. We then go to the bedroom where I spend special attention on her G-spot until she has at least 3 or 4 squirting orgasms.
I guess according to your readers this would be considered rape as she is obviously intoxicated and too drunk to consent?? And I am after all a 50 year old, bald fat man!
Special note to the ice queen T Jackel, above. I’m sure you were just joking? God I hope so! If not, come over to our place Friday and leave limp dick at home. My wife likes a little girl time as well, so I’m sure we could get your motor running. We would make it so that it is the most “vitally important” thing in your life! You could brag to all your friends about the 10 big Os you had!